Life's Like That

Thursday, March 12, 2009

A few letters...

...to help me calm down

Dear foul mouthed Grandpa I had the misfortune of encountering early in the morning

I understand you are really old and that fact might have addled your brains a bit. But when my car is waiting peacefully at a signal, waiting for it to turn green, and YOURS is the car that comes to a screeching halt 0.5 mm from me, it’s YOUR fault. Not mine. Given my newfound determination to refrain from yelling at morons on the road, I would have just looked at you incredulously and then looked away. But when you rolled down your window to scream FUCKING BITCH at me, well, that’s when you kissed away the opportunity to drive away from that situation. See, the last 2 years of driving around in this city has turned me into a bit of a potty mouth. Fucking Bitch is babytalk compared to the extensive vocabulary I use when I’m sitting behind the wheel. So unless you have something better than “You fucking bitch mind your language” and “You bloody bitch *gasp* *splutter*you fucking bloody bitch” to hit me with, DON’T PICK A FIGHT WITH ME!!! Learn to drive moron. Learn to use that little lever called a brake. And learn not start a fight that you cant finish. Gah!!


Dear morons on two wheelers

Please don’t jump in front of my car from nowhere at 100 miles an hour. I am driving at a reasonable speed, and though my reflexes are pretty good, chances are I might not be able to stop the car in time to prevent it from running into you. And if that happens, chances are that you will be hurt worse than I. If you persist in zipping around like a bloody maniac, chances also are that one day a vehicle far bigger and heavier will run over you. And once you’re dead / paralysed /missing a couple of limbs, the fact that you saved 0.0002 seconds on your way to work will really not matter that much.

Dear traffic cop near the Fraser Town Police Station underpass

Dude!!! Are you blind? The underpass is completely blocked with unmoving traffic. Allowing my car to join the traffic jam will only serve to block the other lane as well. I tried to tell you that, but then you scowled at me and blew that infernal whistle and waved me on pretty aggressively. So now when I have followed your instructions and blocked on coming traffic, don’t come and tap on my window and tell me to move. Move where you blind bat? Or are you expecting my car to suddenly become two dimensional and squeeze in between the auto and the Lancer in front of me? It’s a Maruti 800, not Harry Potter’s Knight Bus for Chrissakes!! You created this mess, now you clear it, just stop tapping on my window and yelling at me. Shoo.

Dear Uncle ji in the Honda City in front of me

Your car totally kicks my car’s ass. It’s a powerful car, capable of traveling at very high speeds. I am not recommending that you zip through the potholes of Bangalore like a desi Schumacher, but I think you can definitely stop trying to imitate a bullock cart and step on it a bit. You know, move to about 30 or maybe even *gasp* 40 on the speedometer. The road ahead is EMPTY and has been repaired recently. But if you still want to provide competition for the bullock carts and bicycles, do move to the left side of the road so that I can move ahead. I’ve had a bad day at work and want to get home in this lifetime.

Dear Autodrivers of Bangalore

Your consistent refusal to take me from point A to point B within this city is the reason I learnt to drive. I will be eternally grateful to you for that. But please know that I HATE all of you. I will never ever allow one of you to cut in front of me. Even if you somehow do, know that I WILL overtake you in a couple of seconds, so help me God. Also, my car? It’s old, and badly battered. Look at the scratches and dents on it. You should understand that I don’t really care about its appearance . So even when you try to climb on top of it in a bid to overtake /cut in front, I will still recklessly squeeze past you. So give it up already.

Yes, I’m petty and juvenile…I have also spent many many MANY months of wandering about in the rain unsuccessfully begging empty autos to take me home. The trauma has obviously had a long lasting effect on my ability to move on with my life.

Dear Neighbour who plays Backstreet Boys till 2 a.m. every Saturday night

I will call the cops on you this week. If I can’t find cops that late at night, I will call my friends to dress up like cops and come scare the bejeezus out of you. Consider this a neighbourly warning.

Dear Other Neighbour whose daughter almost peed on my foot in the lift

It was not funny. Your kid looks about 5 years old. Shouldn’t she have been toilet trained a long time ago? And shouldn’t you be a little more embarrassed about her lack of bladder control? Laughing at this rather disgusting behaviour will only encourage her and do you really want this to continue? Also shouldn’t you be cleaning the mess she created and not walking out unconcernedly? I don’t care what she does inside your house, and how long you leave puddles of excreta lying around ’coz I am never ever going to pay you any visits. But that lift is a common space that all of us living in the building use. We don’t want to be greeted by the overpowering stench of pee when we step in. Either clean it up or be prepared for me to stop you and insist on it. Shrieking hysterically at me will not help, as you obviously must have realized by now, ‘coz the building supervisor and most other residents will agree with me on it being your responsibility to clean the damn pee. I hope muttering under your breath every time you see me is providing you with some solace, because I frankly couldn’t care less.

I’m done ranting. For now. Phew.

14 Comments:

  • ha ha ha ha. This is really funny. Amazing that your anger towards your 'travel peers', is my 'humor of the day'!

    Damn good piece!

    By Blogger Annapoorna R Shinu, at 5:30 AM  

  • You have penned the thoughts of every Bangalorean! My thoughts exactly! Sigh.....we just got to grin and bear the madness on the roads everyday. :)

    By Blogger Vishal, at 10:48 AM  

  • woahhhh!!!
    that was some rant...well now that ur feeling better...maybe u shld go and play with that 5 yr old..or better still take a rick ride?:-))
    have a good weekend!
    p.s: I cld have almost copy/pasted this post on my blog 3 yrs back when I was in blore...
    hang in there!

    By Blogger Ekta, at 9:46 PM  

  • :)

    Feeling better now?

    By Blogger Sue, at 1:25 AM  

  • Hope you said at least 10% of all this out loud to the people concerned-hope you're feeling better now--could practically see all those situations--

    By Blogger LAK, at 5:51 AM  

  • Did you give some of that language back to the foul-mouthed grandpa?!
    Gosh, what a terrible mother - what a weirdo!
    Hope u managed to calm down..

    By Blogger Sumona, at 1:32 PM  

  • @annapoorna: grrrrr

    @vishal: you grin if you want to. i shall scowl and mutter under my breath.

    @ekta: i haaaaattttte driving here.

    @sue: much calmer now that i got it out of my system :D

    @LAK: some i did, some i didnt. driving in this city is a FRUSTRATING affair.

    @ sumona: of course i gave it back to that horrible old man :D

    By Blogger Ron, at 3:06 AM  

  • Hey, thanx for dropping by! And please put up a post soon!

    By Blogger LAK, at 12:01 AM  

  • Ron, I'm a first time visitor here. and I loved your post! It was like you stole my thoughts and put them down here. I drive a 800 too, in Bangalore, and I dearly wish I could afford a Hummer!

    By Blogger S, at 11:48 AM  

  • @LAK: I wish I knew what to write about next :)

    @S: Ooooh you said it!!! I often wish I had a Hummer....wouldnt it be wonderful to just drive over them!!! Such a blissful thought that is :D

    By Blogger Ron, at 9:05 PM  

  • More rants, please?

    (Can-you-feel-the-luurve-tonight - that kind of rant)

    J.A.P.

    By Blogger J. Alfred Prufrock, at 6:06 AM  

  • @JAPda: Where have you been? Why can't I access your blog?

    By Blogger Ron, at 1:22 AM  

  • I can totally relate to your feeling about the traffic in bangalore. Some of the bikers can be exceptionally irritating. Riding on the footpath, overtaking from the left, changing lanes at will...The roads are so narrow. In fact, the width of the road was the first thing that struck me when I moved to Hyderabad a few months back. They are so much more wider than Bangalore. Hope the roads (at least) would improve soon :)

    By Blogger Debroop, at 11:17 AM  

  • @debroop: hyd roads are so much better than bangalore. when i first moved there that was the first thing i noticed as well...and this was a good 5-7 years ago

    By Blogger Ron, at 3:23 AM  

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