There you have it. I cannot drive. Im 27 years old. Smart, funny, sophisticated (this is MY blog and I will be sophisticated if I want, so shuttup), reasonably well read, intellegent...and I cannot drive. But I need to drive. Desperately. I cannot depend on Bangalore autos anymore. But I cannot. And to add to my driving woes, I have this instructor who does not speak Hindi or English. He speaks a weird language that he tries to pass off as a mixture of the two.
Me (muttering under breath): Oooohhh my goodness...this is not a road..this is a chosha khet (ploughed field) how can anyone drive here?
Him: Medem no gundi medem. Wheels centre.
Him: Gundi medem...no no no!!!!! (shakes head vigorously)
Me (distractedly almost driving into rear end of enormous cow ) What is a gundi? And what no no?
Him: (impatiently) : Cow medem...brake brake...gundi mein nahi jana...centre wheels.
Me: Dhur baba!! What is a gundi dammit!!!!And gari mein toh 4 wheels hai...centre wheel kahan se aayega? Ki jalaton re baba.
Him (wide smile) : Gundi medem...see see...On road. Usmein nahi jana...centre mein jana. (Points to ploughed field in front of me)
Me (realization dawns) : Aaaahh!! Pothole. You mean pothole. Aacha, you want me to avoid potholes. Ok ok. But whole road is pothole only...how to avoid?
Him: Wohi thoh boltha medem. ( please note, all the extra H's in that sentence were intended...thats how he pronounced it). Centre centre chalna...softly softly...( Dont ask..I dont know)
I have a phobia of traffic. Other cars, cow like pedestrians, actual cows, buses, two wheelers three wheelers all take on a demonic form when I have to navigate through the crowd.
Me (panic stricken) : OH MY GOD!!! WHY HAVE YOU BROUGHT ME TO THIS JUNCTION!!!?? HAVE YOU SEEN THE TRAFFIC!!?? YOU EXPECT ME TO DRIVE THROUGH THIS!!!!!!!?????
Him: We go your house medem. (Valid point, to get to my house you have to navigate this horrible junction full of buses and lorrys and cows and things)
Him:(Trying to be reassuring): No no medem. Darna no no. Traffic road. Seee...soft brake soft clutch....press medem. Medem...MEDEM..BRAKE MEDEMMMMMMMMM!!!!
Me: Bus bus....oooooooooohhh lorrrrrrrryyy...(pressing accelearator feverishly)
Him(Shouting, lunging towards the steering wheel) : Leave accelerator medem....no no left no no...truck truck.....
Me: (leaving steering wheel and tucking feet under me) : EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...
We made it to the other side of the road and to my house safely...in case you were worried. I shudder to think what he must be saying of me behind my back.
I get distracted easily. Too easily.
Me:(to myself) This road is easy..no turns, no gundis..all nice. Lalala...
Me: ooooohhh look at the terracota stuff...lovely flower pots...my plants would look soo nice in those pots.
Him : MEDEMMMMM......Aadmi.....bike......(leaps across and turns the steering wheel to the right)
Me: Oh!! Right!! I should look in front. Really these pedestrians in India...Why do they have to walk in the middle of the road? Serves them right if they get run over.
Me (to myself): Sooo cold it is. ( Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwnnnnnn)
THUDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( I had run straight into the path of an oncoming vehicle)
Me (sheepishly) : Erp..sorry...driving school...(silly giggle)
Aggrieved uncle : What is wrong with you?
Me( turning to gundi man) : Why didnt YOU press the brake!!? You have the controls too. (I think he was sleeping as well).
After that I drove exclusively in second gear. At one point I allowed a bullock cart to overtake me. The look that the gundi man gave me was...embarassing, to say the least.