Life's Like That

Monday, June 25, 2007

Erp....

I am good at a number of things. For example I cook reasonably well...I do make the most awesome rasmalai even though I say it myself (modest look) , I am very good at keeping in touch with people, I am extremely adept at keeping my murderous feelings towards people tightly bottled up inside while smiling benevolently at them...Oh I can go on praising myself, but this post is not about how wonderful and talented I am(though that would make for a wonderfully morale boosting post really). This is about what I cannot do. Which, summed up in one word, is, drive.

There you have it. I cannot drive. Im 27 years old. Smart, funny, sophisticated (this is MY blog and I will be sophisticated if I want, so shuttup), reasonably well read, intellegent...and I cannot drive. But I need to drive. Desperately. I cannot depend on Bangalore autos anymore. But I cannot. And to add to my driving woes, I have this instructor who does not speak Hindi or English. He speaks a weird language that he tries to pass off as a mixture of the two.


Me (muttering under breath): Oooohhh my goodness...this is not a road..this is a chosha khet (ploughed field) how can anyone drive here?

Him: Medem no gundi medem. Wheels centre.


Me: Eh!?


Him: Gundi medem...no no no!!!!! (shakes head vigorously)

Me (distractedly almost driving into rear end of enormous cow ) What is a gundi? And what no no?


Him: (impatiently) : Cow medem...brake brake...gundi mein nahi jana...centre wheels.

Me: Dhur baba!! What is a gundi dammit!!!!And gari mein toh 4 wheels hai...centre wheel kahan se aayega? Ki jalaton re baba.

Him (wide smile) : Gundi medem...see see...On road. Usmein nahi jana...centre mein jana. (Points to ploughed field in front of me)


Me (realization dawns) : Aaaahh!! Pothole. You mean pothole. Aacha, you want me to avoid potholes. Ok ok. But whole road is pothole only...how to avoid?

Him: Wohi thoh boltha medem. ( please note, all the extra H's in that sentence were intended...thats how he pronounced it). Centre centre chalna...softly softly...( Dont ask..I dont know)


I have a phobia of traffic. Other cars, cow like pedestrians, actual cows, buses, two wheelers three wheelers all take on a demonic form when I have to navigate through the crowd.

Me (panic stricken) : OH MY GOD!!! WHY HAVE YOU BROUGHT ME TO THIS JUNCTION!!!?? HAVE YOU SEEN THE TRAFFIC!!?? YOU EXPECT ME TO DRIVE THROUGH THIS!!!!!!!?????


Him: We go your house medem. (Valid point, to get to my house you have to navigate this horrible junction full of buses and lorrys and cows and things)

Me: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


Him:(Trying to be reassuring): No no medem. Darna no no. Traffic road. Seee...soft brake soft clutch....press medem. Medem...MEDEM..BRAKE MEDEMMMMMMMMM!!!!

Me: Bus bus....oooooooooohhh lorrrrrrrryyy...(pressing accelearator feverishly)

Him(Shouting, lunging towards the steering wheel) : Leave accelerator medem....no no left no no...truck truck.....

Me: (leaving steering wheel and tucking feet under me) : EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...

We made it to the other side of the road and to my house safely...in case you were worried. I shudder to think what he must be saying of me behind my back.

I get distracted easily. Too easily.


Me:(to myself) This road is easy..no turns, no gundis..all nice. Lalala...


Me: ooooohhh look at the terracota stuff...lovely flower pots...my plants would look soo nice in those pots.

Him : MEDEMMMMM......Aadmi.....bike......(leaps across and turns the steering wheel to the right)

Me: Oh!! Right!! I should look in front. Really these pedestrians in India...Why do they have to walk in the middle of the road? Serves them right if they get run over.

This morning..


Me (to myself): Sooo cold it is. ( Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwnnnnnn)


Him: BRAKKEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111


Me: EEEEEEEEE

THUDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( I had run straight into the path of an oncoming vehicle)

Me (sheepishly) : Erp..sorry...driving school...(silly giggle)

Aggrieved uncle : What is wrong with you?

Me( turning to gundi man) : Why didnt YOU press the brake!!? You have the controls too. (I think he was sleeping as well).


After that I drove exclusively in second gear. At one point I allowed a bullock cart to overtake me. The look that the gundi man gave me was...embarassing, to say the least.

My self esteem is taking a severe beating. I need to hear some nice reassuring things about myself. I will eventually learn how to drive?Right? I am a female Michael Schumacher in the making...right? I will be traversing all sorts of vehicles and human n non human cows and gundis with elan in no time right? Right? Right??
Umm...any one know of a part time driver I can employ?



14 Comments:

  • i can drive but pathetically! i sympathise

    By Blogger Ricercar, at 3:21 PM  

  • Hmm..i know the dumbest person on this planet. But that person can drive. That person can drive PRETTY well at that. And i know if that person can drive, ANYONE in this world can! (erm.. unless one stops looking at flower pots instead of the road)

    Btw, i am planning to enroll for driving classes too, for road practice.

    By Anonymous bijoyyy, at 10:36 PM  

  • I wonder ... is this panic exclusive to women, or does it affect any person who learns to drive in adult-hood?

    J.A.P.

    By Blogger J. Alfred Prufrock, at 11:23 PM  

  • Ah, don't worry, Ron! The fear will blow over and in a month's time or so we should see you carting down all the principle potholed roads of B'lore.

    Am speaking from experience, as someone who learnt to drive in Delhi!

    By Anonymous gm, at 11:39 PM  

  • I gave up after two classes with the driver. I let everyone overtake me and I get distracted if I see other cars. I wonder if this is because I suck at crossing the road as well.

    By Blogger Dreamcatcher, at 9:08 AM  

  • I promise not to walk on the streets of B'luru until your training is over. :) Good luck! (to you, the cows and the pedestrians).

    By Blogger Kele Panchu, at 9:10 AM  

  • Its not very difficult considering the fact that so many women drive on bangalore roads without having the experience of handling a vehicle on roads. Just let the car rip and your wheels do the talking

    By Anonymous rahul, at 6:05 AM  

  • you also don't seem to be able to spell 'intelligent' correctly. :P

    By Blogger the still dancer, at 11:20 PM  

  • @preronadi: thank u.

    @bijoy: was that intended to make me feel optimistic? because all im feeling right now is terribly miserable that im worse thant he dumbest person one arth :(

    @JAP: i dont know, aapni bolun.

    @gm: i hope so. my transportation situation is getting rather difficult...soon i will have no choice but to drive.and i can say with total conviction that bangalore traffic is worse than delhi traffic. other bangaloreans will agree with me im sure.

    @dc: you know, you have a point there. i think crossing roads and driving have a closer connection than we think.

    @panchuda: thank you..at least one less person on the road. and cows and cow like humans dont need any good luck. I do!!

    @rahul: thank you but im losing hope rapidly.

    @arka: yeah, thats what happens when you type at a furious pace at work while looking over your shoulder to see if your boss is coming your way. generally there is no time to run spell checks etc.but the pressures of blogging atw ork is not something i would expect you to understand so i shall ignore you.

    By Blogger Ron, at 12:36 AM  

  • You need a two-wheeler. Easier to driver, cheaper on the pocket and nobody fights over whether to turn the AC on or not.

    By Blogger Sue, at 7:57 AM  

  • hahah!
    I soooo relate to ur woes lady!!
    Even I cant drive for nuts and am 29!!....Feel soo scared of driving like am gonna hit all people on the road!

    By Blogger Ekta, at 9:56 PM  

  • @sue: umm, scarier too.

    @ ekta: how nice to know i have company :P

    By Blogger Ron, at 6:00 AM  

  • what you're good at is blogging. So we need one more post. You're tagged!

    By Blogger Anand, at 3:07 AM  

  • i think u drive pretty ok-- first hand experience:) aside from the cussing which i take as a free education

    By Blogger Marina, at 3:08 AM  

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