Life's Like That

Monday, July 03, 2006

The perils of living alone

I've been living alone since my Mom moved back to Cal. For the most parts its good fun. And waaaay better than living in a hostel (Remind me to tell you about the loos!! The horror!! The horror!!) or a PG with a 5 other girls (who messed up the bathroom, drank the juice you bought, insisted on watching Kyunki and objected to your reading at night).

But living entirely on your has its own set of problems. Forget the smaller ones like the irritating caretaker who comes at 7 a.m and tells you to pay attention to his every word regarding the malfunctioning tap because he is "an engineer and is educating you". Or the overly inquisitive neighbour who asks "So your husband works in the night shift..." and leaves the question trailing in the hope that you will jump in and tell her exactly how you are related to the man who visits everyday. Or the cat that insists on living with you. Or the fact that one cabbage makes so much sabzi that you have to keep eating till you begin to feel your teeth elongating and bunny ears erupting from your skull. All of those problems are manageable ones.

What is not manageable is the few moments of sheer terror that one occasionally experiences. .

Like when the two cockroaches decided to fly at me in the dead of the night. With this horrible frrr frr sound. How I wished for someone to hear my shrill shrieks of terror and come rushing to my rescue. Unfortunately, there was no such man around. I had to battle these vile creatures all by myself, aided by one can of HIT. From my position of vantage behind the door...I extended my can around the edge of the door and sprayed blindly. Stop laughing. I think it was extremely brave of me to stand my ground and fight these things by myself, as opposed to running out of the house screaming for the watchman and refusing to enter again till he made sure that both cockroaches were dead. By the time the damn things died entire house was smelling of HIT. Very nauseating.

Or like the other night. Ooooooooh!! What a horrible nerve wracking night that was.

I was feeling unwell. Not to worry. Too much of anything...even something as heavenly as well made bhel puri, can do that anyone. After much moaning the groaning and whining over the phone to Rahul I dragged myself off to sleep. And then... at the stroke of two...just when I was about to drop off...I heard it!!! A faint noise.. like the dragging sound the kitchen door makes. My eyes popped open!My heart stood still! My hair stood up on end!Internal dialogues happened :

Me 1: * eyes wide open* Was that the kitchen door?
Me 2: *tremulously* Sounded like it.
Me1: Nah!! Who will open the kitchen door at this time....*shivers run down spine*
Me2: Who.......oooooohhhh......Mammaaa...*covers head with blanket*
Me1: *attempt to be strong*I must get up and investigate. If really someone is in the kitchen then I need to run out of the flat immediately.
Me2: *shakes under covers* I cant turn around. What if I turn and there is a murderous looking man behind me? Ill just die.
Me 1 : No I must be brave. I'm braver than my mom...ooooooh Mummmmeeeeeeeee.
Me2: Remember what happened to Dipta in Delhi? How there was a man sitting at the end of her bed when she woke up? What if there is a man behind me looking at me? Oh Goddd!!! Why did I decide to live alone? Why? Why? How could my Mom leave me alone like this. How can Rahul be so careless...I cant turn around. Whatever there is behind me will go away if I dont turn around. Mummeeeeeee.....

After much debating, I forced myself to turn around. No murderer. I got out of bed, I went to the kitchen..I opened doors, I looked behind the fridge, under the bed, in the loo. Nothing. I heaved a sigh of relief and went back to bed. Then five minutes later got out again and fetched the biggest knife I possess. And put it lovingly on the bedside table....for protection. And didnt sleep the entire night.

Next morning, I felt very silly about the whole thing. I put the knife back in the kitchen, waited for my maid to finish and leave and went to have a bath. Then came out and started my daily routine of hair dryer and moisturiser and so on. And then...standing there in my room..in my *blush* underwear, I heard something again. The unmistakable sound of the key in door!!!!

Someone was trying to break into my house!! At 9 a.m. With a key!!!! OOOOOOHHHH MYYYY GAAAWWWWWDDDDD!!!!!!!!

Me1: Robbers. Rapists. HELP!!!!!
Me2: Ki shahosh. Chaabi diye dorja khulche aabar!!! (What guts! He is opening the door with the key that too!)
Me1: Oh god!! Why did I put the knife back in the kitchen....its soo far away. How will I deal with the robber?
Me2: Shiiiiiitt!! Im not wearing clothes....how on earth am I to tackle robbers and rapists in my underwear? Shit!! How can I tackle anyone in my underwear (Please note, I have serious issues with changing clothes in front of people...even photographs, hence the thought of having to confront robbers in my underwear was deeply unsettling)
Me1: Bathrobe bathrobe!! Wrap bathrobe!!! Ooooh Deo!!! Spray deo at him and run out...never mind if its in a tattered bathrobe.
Me 2: Oooooooooooooooooooo

Door opened. And I confronted the robber clutching a bathrobe and armed with a half empty bottle of Impulse deospray. And.....and I am yet to live down that incident.

Turns out robbers dont come to rob at 9 a.m. And they defintely do not try to open doors with keys. The only people who do that are the ones that you yourself have given a spare set of keys to. Such as your fiance. Who was concerned about your ill health the previous night and felt that he must come and take you to the doctor in the morning. (In my defense I was really quite sick, and well...he is trying very desperately to make up for something, and is therefore being the ideal boyfriend. On a normal day, there is no way in hell he would have gone late to work for me). All concern was forgotten at the sight of me clutching bathrobe and brandishing deo. He still chuckles quietly every now and then whenever he remembers it.

It was most humiliating. Noone loves me. Noone feels sorry for the terror I felt. Even my own family laughed at me... uproariously. My feelings are very hurt. I am going to adopt the cat and live with it happily ever after. At least when Im scared I can talk to it instead of myself. And get it to accompany me when I go to face possible intruders. Yes. A cat is better anyday.

21 Comments:

  • I'm not laughing. Swear I'm not.
    *muffled giggle*
    Just passing by to say, wuv you wots, even if your family doesn't and yes, a cat is a good idea *hysterical laughter*

    By Blogger babelfish, at 9:28 AM  

  • on a slow day, this was about the best thing that happened.
    man, I laughed so hard.

    "Like when the two cockroaches decided to fly at me in the dead of the night. With this horrible frrr frr sound. How I wished for someone to hear my shrill shrieks of terror and come rushing to my rescue"
    "Me2: Shiiiiiitt!! Im not wearing clothes....how on earth am I to tackle robbers and rapists in my underwear? "
    "It was most humiliating. Noone loves me. Noone feels sorry for the terror I felt. Even my own family laughed at me... uproariously."

    ROFLMAO

    Mate, thanks for the best laughs in a month!

    By Blogger BangaloreGuy, at 6:21 PM  

  • hahah ron!!!
    Well I can say honestly I relate to very word u said!!
    Have lived out of home with a roomtse for 3 yrs and alone for 4 months after marriage and I had a nightmarish encounter with a rat wh was almost ready to jump on me when I opened the cupboard door.
    At some 12 pm in the night I had to break all hell loose and call the watchman to woo the devil away!
    It took two whole days to get rid of him and innumerable pieces of break in a mouse trap as well!!
    And of course the additional paranoia of checking the doors 10 times when ur alone to make sure they dont open even if they appear latched!:-)
    Hugs babe...I empathize!

    By Blogger Ekta, at 6:24 PM  

  • Even Ramgorurer Chhana would have laughed at it... HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH....

    I cant stop laughin... I just cant... I am visualising... U in a bathrobe with Deo and Rahul...

    GAwddddddddddddddddd...

    THANKS A LOT RON, U GAVE ME A REASON TO LAUGH

    By Blogger cyberoam, at 9:37 PM  

  • @babelfish: Wait till you are living alone and are forced to deal with 'roaches and intruders. Wait till your near and dear ones turn their backs to you laugh at your misery.Wait till I unleash my cat on you. THEN my dear child, I shall have the last laugh!! Where have you been all this while??? *shakes fist angrily*

    @bangalore guy: my trauma amuses you does it?? *cold glare*.

    @ekta: oooooh. Id much rather deal with cockroaches than dead rats. you pooooor thing!!!

    @sayan: hrrmmpph!!!

    By Blogger Ron, at 12:02 AM  

  • cats are bad news...never around half the time actually. get a lovely dog..

    By Blogger Abhishek Chatterjee, at 2:20 AM  

  • iyye maane...ki bolbo? (hysterical laughter) And no I am NOT revealing my weirdness on yr blog. I know just how secure it is!!

    By Blogger Priya, at 6:00 AM  

  • hahah..hilarious... i jus cant stop laughing..

    By Blogger J-O-S-H (My Bench !), at 6:38 AM  

  • Ron,

    me being so polite, and thanking you, but u send out a cold glare?! :-O

    By Blogger BangaloreGuy, at 7:59 AM  

  • oh hey, read it again and


    Me2: Ki shahosh. Chaabi diye dorja khulche aabar!!! (What guts! He is opening the door with the key that too!)

    put me in rofl mode, again! :D

    By Blogger BangaloreGuy, at 8:01 AM  

  • where have i been maane? regularly reading your blog of course...it's just that i wasn't commenting...you see, if you're gonna keep a cat this is one of those things you have to get used to...they're always there, they just don't leave catprints all over the place as it were :D

    By Blogger babelfish, at 10:15 AM  

  • Hey,
    Well that does sound bad..flying cockroches are not what Id like to fantasize abt in my sleepy!
    But I have lived alone for a yr or two and didnt really mind it that much!

    By Blogger Anand, at 7:32 PM  

  • Because of my slow server speed I usually don't comment, but I must must MUST tell you how bloody hilarious this was!

    Maane, not saying I don't sympathise, of course. Anyone who deals with even a baby flying cockroach on her own is my Hero For the Century, but nonetheless...hehe :D

    By Blogger Rimi, at 8:36 PM  

  • @abhishek: hmmm...but i already have this cat situation. maane this cat which insists on adopting me, so i might as well make it official. dog maane i have to go around finding one...

    @priyadi: you are also being most unkind. my feelings are very hurt all over again.

    @j-o-s-h: hrrrmph!! like i told babelfish...wait till all of the above happen to you, then we will see who has the last laugh.

    @bangalore guy: *colder glare*

    @babelfish: catprints indeed. hrrrmmph!! *suddenly remembers her own lack of comments on babel's blog and changes glare to a dazzling smile*...thaaats ok bably dear, fishprints are just fiiiiiinnne.

    @anand: you are a boy!! boys are weird. therefore of course you didnt think living alone was bad :P

    @rimi: i would have sent cold glares your way, if it hadnt been for the Hero of the Century bit...what can i say...henh henh henh, just doing what a girl has to do. henh henh.

    By Blogger Ron, at 10:51 PM  

  • Awesome. For some strange reason I could not access your blog yesterday. I kept getting half a post. Anyways.....this was just hilarious. And like some people have already said I am most impressed with the cockroach bit. Aami hole ekhono dorja bondho kore boshe thaktam. You brave girl!

    By Blogger M (tread softly upon), at 6:05 AM  

  • @m : arrey aar bolo na. noone has been able to open my blog completely for the last few days. had to log in with blogger help group and have a random american help me out. all very irritating.

    By Blogger Ron, at 6:28 AM  

  • You are so adorable. I would have never laughed at you. I would have sympathise greatly.
    But its still hillarious.
    Many hugs for hurt feelings.

    By Blogger Dreamcatcher, at 11:06 AM  

  • @dc: aww!! thank you. *sniffs* hugggg to you too.

    By Blogger Ron, at 3:28 AM  

  • Onobodyo !!

    By Blogger Chilla-Bong, at 3:37 AM  

  • @chilla-bong: erm..dhonnyobad...kintu aapni ki aamar opor haashchen!!!?? hasha ta ekebaarei uchit na kintu.

    By Blogger Ron, at 5:36 AM  

  • lol, sorry sorry sorry but cant help loling on this one. having lived alone for a larger part of my life, am kinda used to sounds of unnatural nature or maybe its different for guys: they are supposed to fight cockroaches, supposed to attack robbers, dont have rapist issues, blah, blah, bleuh...

    irrespective, damn nice writing... :)

    By Blogger cutting, at 11:13 PM  

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