Life's Like That

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Home Alone

Mom's away...again..and Im home alone. Much as I hate coming back to an empty house, I must say that being absoloutely alone once in a while is a wonderful thing. Specially when you have been feeling out of sorts with the world and been forced to be polite to people. I have been smiling and laughing and joking the entire evening...wonder if any of those people I was with, even realized how...I dont know how to describe it...uncheerful ( for lack of a better word) I was actually feeling.

Whats wrong you ask me? Nothing. Nothing that I can put my finger on. I have a decent job (maybe not the best but not the worst either), finally have a really nice boss, things at home are peaceful, everything seems to be working out on the Rahul front ( although his parents seem to favour the adjective "talkative" whenever they describe me to people, sometimes they add a "very" before the talkative. So I am now trying desperately to cultivate the strong silent image...trying being the operative word). All in all things are good (touchwood) and there is no reason for me to be uncheerful.
But uncheerful and snappy I am. Small seemingly insignificant things have been annoying me for the last few days. Im annoyed with the fact that despite having access to a 100 odd channels I am unable to find a single programme that is worth watching. Have any of you seen this monstrosity called Remix on Star One? Going by this serial with its awful Hinglish dialogues, one would be forced to think that romance is the only thing that teenagers in urban India are concerned with. Its ludicrous and impossible to watch for more than 5 minutes. I have seen each FRIENDS rerun at least 5 times, and Desperate Housewives has gone off air. I am feeling nostalgic about this serial called Remington Steele, starring a pre 007 Pierce Brosnan....what a lovely show, do you guys remember it? Total entertainment. Either that or the Agatha Christie's Poirot TV series. And I obviously cant watch either.
I annoyed with myself for being convinced that I will be a total failure at the marriage thing. I have let other people's expectations ( real or imagined) of me overwhelm me. I am unable to think of myself as a wife, a sister in law, a daughter in law. I am convinced I will be hopelessly bad at being married and will spend the rest of my life being unfavourably compared with Rahuls sister in law N, who in addition to doing very well professionally is also brilliantly efficient at managing her home. My house, I am convinced, will be a messy disorganised uncomfortable disaster zone. I doubt my own ability to bond and be nice to all his relatives (again something N is soooo good at). I have succeeded in freaking myself out to such an extent that I am now refusingto discuss anything remotely related to the wedding...unfortunately that seems to be the only thing people around me want to discuss. This from someone who till a few days back was thrilled to bits about the entire thing and delirously happy is quite stupid I think, but I dont know how to get over it. Panic attack has happened before, but this time it is soooooo much worse. I can only imagine how much worse it will get as things move closer to the actual wedding.
Im irritated because for some strange reason I went and bought Tarun Tejpal's The Alchemy of Desire and now I am thoroughly regretting it. The main charecters keep having sex anywhere anytime anyhow..all the time. So much sex talk is tiring after a while. I should have bought something else. Now I have nothing to read.
I am getting really pissed off with this anonymous charecter/s who seems to find it necessary to comment on everything I write as sarcastically as he/she/they can. What annoys me most is that I get so annoyed that despite telling myself that I will just ignore all of it, I immediately react as nastily as I can...which is what Dear Anonymous wants anyways I guess. Come on Anonymous, leave your initials at least..why hide behind the nameless tag? Someone (not anonymous) commented to my last post saying he feels the post doesnt deserve a comment...then why comment? Why keep visitng in the first place? I never tried to say that my blog will be about deep thoughts and philosophy or it will be terribly topical and political and learned. At the end of a long hard day I usually dont want to write about serious stuff. This is about my life, and life as I see it. Yes it is personal, yes it is trivial, yes it is frivolous and yes sometimes I write a lot of personal stuff on a forum that is open to practically the whole wide world. Im ok with that. Thats the way I want it to be.I can deal with the occassional immature comments, usually dont bother with them. Its the weird anonymous sarcasm that gets me...not to mention that last comment on undeserving posts. Dont like it, dont read it. Simple. But no, I still wont close anonymous comments...
Im annoyed with myself for being so uncheerful and depressed. My back is killing me. I am irritated because I feel like writing, but so Ive written a whole lot of rubbish. I cant think of anything blog about. Went through my old posts, some are funny, some are nicely written, some can even be passed off as "deep thinking"...I cannot imagine how I came up with any of those posts. Feel singularly unimaginiative and useless now. Been toying with the idea of closing this blog...but I like writing...but then I cant think of anything to write and am writing rubbish!Vicious circle!
Aar bhalo laagche na. I think I shall sleep now. Wish my mom and sister were home. The house is just so quiet. Wish Rahul wasnt working so late these days, I could do with a hug...the "block out the whole world and make me feel safe and happy and comforted" kind of hugs that he is so good at. Wish I was at least 2 inch taller, several kgs lighter and had light eyes. Wish I was wonderfully talented at something.Wish wish wish...the list is endless.
I think I shall stop whining and go to sleep. Goodnight. Take care all.

17 Comments:

  • Its a bad day, it'll pass. Trust me even i never find anything worthwhile to see on tv, it isnt just you.
    "When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
    When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on"

    And comeon Ron - I am sure you're gonna be super at the marriage thing.
    *hugs*
    and tomorrow is another day.

    By Blogger Dreamcatcher, at 10:27 AM  

  • Yes it's just one of those down days with a real big dip. If you were married your husband would blame it on PMS (that's what men do always). I call it my "feeling unloved, unappreciated, worthless self-pitying days". And yes, it will pass.
    As far as the concerns that you have over everything in life it's natural to feel a little apprehensive of things yet to come. You know, the unknown, the untested, unchartered waters. Trust me, there is always someone else that you will be envious of (I have a sis-in-law equally adept as N). You'll want to measure up and be just as talented as her. BUt you are you. And people love you for what you are. And you will do an amazing job at being a wife and everything else that comes with it. You know why? Because you've done so well at being a daughter, a sister, a fiancee, a friend. There's no reason why you shouldn't do well in other roles in life. So cheer up.
    The sun will be up tomorrow.
    And sorry for this huge comment. Just wanted to see things in a different light Ron.

    By Blogger M (tread softly upon), at 11:23 AM  

  • awww kiddo ... hope u get used to it and feel better soon! look at it this way, while the mom and sis are away, ron can play ;)

    By Blogger Prerona, at 4:39 PM  

  • Hello, how can you feel so down with meeting ME just around the corner? hyuk hyuk.

    Cheer up, ok? Just thank goodness you are not on Indian Idol and you will, am sure.

    By Blogger The Marauder's Map, at 10:26 PM  

  • Hello! Its nice to touch base once again, feels like ages.
    Dont worry this is just a phase, like everybody here seems to agree. Something good will happen at work or somewhere else and you will forget why you ever felt this way.
    Dont worry about the TV either, most of it is droll, I usually just keep it on because its nice to concentrate on your thoughts when there is unorganised noise in the background.
    Thats that. All ok with me, just that work sucks, which is probably why i'm reading your blog at 12:00 noon, for some this is the busiest time of the day, for me it is the time to go into denial about the work that is piling up in my inbox.
    Bye bye

    By Anonymous Archana, at 10:32 PM  

  • Dont worry everyonee goes through these phases, its just that some of us are not that strong to express it openly. Its like a rash you want to hide but has to be exposed in order to heal.....so cheer up you have a great life ahead

    By Anonymous r, at 1:53 AM  

  • @dreamcatcher: more like a bad week. but awww...*hugs back* thank you so much :D

    @m(tread softly upon): siiighhh...thank you. i just hope people will love me for what i am and not say "haan theek hai lekin N jaisi nahi hai"

    @prerona: heh!! so i thought too. but all and i mean ALL my friends are busy. and i am lonely. and i am tired of playing by myself. *sniffs*

    @marauder's map: what a truly horrible thought!! i would be subjected to anu malik in person!! *shudders*

    @archana: heeeey. welcome back. you will be happy to know that i have been in denial all day long and refused to do any work at all. feel mariginally better about my life now.

    @r: thank you sweety. but could you hug me now please? *sappy puppy type look*. heh!!

    By Blogger Ron, at 3:44 AM  

  • ron ron ron ron ron. trust me, if i can be married, you can be BRILLIANTLY married. :-) we need to talk :-)

    By Anonymous sayoni, at 4:13 AM  

  • @sayoni: bolchish?kintu you will do a better job of it..trust me!! siigh!! yes lets talk :(

    By Blogger Ron, at 4:47 AM  

  • and this too shall pass...quite enjoyed watching rmngton steele an the shows in those days...were much better than the tripe thats dished out today on TV..but I wish I could watch the telly here..student budget so no TV..du bocchor hoye geche no tv! and the marriage thingy..happens to the best and the worst of us..everytime i think of it i feel like jumping out the window in a sudden panic fit..u'll do just fine!

    By Blogger Abhishek Chatterjee, at 6:06 PM  

  • Welcome to the club. I too some time cannot figure out what is wrong when everything seems to be going fine. Just human nature I guess, we refuse to live in a state of satisfaction.

    About Alchemy of Desire - well Tarun Tejpal should stick to what he knows best - conducting sting operations against corrupt politicians. I too was sick of the overdose of sex in the novel(and I am a 23 year old male!!).

    About the marriage stuff,I don't know much. I am one of those people who are still afraid to get in to a serious relationship. Leave alone a marriage. So I guess you are braver than me. I hope it works out well.

    By Blogger Anil, at 5:44 PM  

  • @abhishek: i loved remington steele...i didnt event ire of the reruns. wish they would show it again. believe me ur not missing much w/o a tv...i dont know about singapore programming, but im willing to bet that isnt worth watching :)

    @anil: alchemy of desire is SO BADDDDD!!!!!! i have stopped reading it and put it away in the dark recesses of my bookshelf..where noone can easily find it.cannot imagine what possessed me to buy it. and yes totally agree with you about living in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction...human nature can be damn annoying at times

    By Blogger Ron, at 9:47 PM  

  • Hey ron,
    LOVED remington steel...had a huge crush on Brosnan ever since!!

    And hey completely agree with you on the 'nothing to watch on TV" stuff...I now believe why its called the "Idiot box"!:-)

    By Blogger Ekta, at 4:42 AM  

  • Ignore the anonymous commentators and please please disable anonymous commenting on your blog. This gives you some control.

    Cheer up!

    By Blogger Accidental Fame Junkie, at 2:12 AM  

  • Ignore the anonymous commentators and please please disable anonymous commenting on your blog. This gives you some control.

    Cheer up!

    By Blogger Accidental Fame Junkie, at 2:12 AM  

  • @ekta: you and me both...whata man!!

    @afj: i think i will disable. and thanks, am feeling MUCCCHHHHH better :)

    By Blogger Ron, at 3:34 AM  

  • Aww...I'm having one of those days today. :(
    And yes, loved Remington Steele!

    By Blogger N, at 3:01 AM  

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